One thing I never realized before I had a kid was that when you have a baby, you lose your ability to take the time to savor a good meal. It's scarf-ville from here on out. Well at least until Judah's old enough to have parties and raid my liquor cabinet. I chow my food as quickly as possible so Lily can eat, or vice-versa. The sands in the hourglass are always almost out when you've got a baby nearby. One false move and it's WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Time to put the fork down.
Having mastered this little food bingeing activity, I went to the Giants home opener at AT&T&S&B&C park on Tuesday. There was a hot dog eating contest sponsored by Hot Dog on a Stick, and I knew this was my time to shine. The problem was the fact that I can't eat hot dogs. Can't stand 'em. But a corn dog, well that's a whole different story. Especially those Trader Joe's meatless corn dogs. Tastes like the real thing with less guilt (except for the sodium part. Mmm... sodium).
I looked over the competition and I knew I didn't have a chance when I saw hot dog eating champ Takeru Kobayashi of Japan doing warm-up stretches in the wings. So I went over to the officiant with a proposal. "If I eat corn dogs instead of hot dogs, but still wrapped in a bun like a hot dog, will I be declared champion if I come in 2nd?"
The official looked at me quizzically and asked "Why would we do that?"
"Because there's all that extra bread with a corn dog."
The official leaned over to the other official and whispered.
They nodded in agreement. "We'll allow it."
Lily stood nearby holding Judah, who hadn't eaten in 2.5 hours and would imminently be crying, thus proving the fuel for my corn dog inhalation.
"Go!" they shouted and the gun went off.
I chewed as fast as I could, frequently glancing over at Judah to push me along further. He started wailing and I ate even faster. A few minutes later the jock-ish guy to my left puked on my new blue Pumas. I kept on chowing. Kobayashi was downing wieners at a record pace. I ate faster and felt good about my chances of getting 2nd place. I ate faster and felt bad about my chances of ever eating another dog of any kind, corn or otherwise.
"BANG!" The gun went off again. "TIME!" yelled the official. I slumped over and saw Lily give Judah a bottle. Kobayashi finished 1st with 51 wieners in 12 minutes. Just shy of his personal best of 53.5 dogs in 12 minutes. I waddled over to the podium. "And 2nd place goes to... Jenna Jamison!" It was a devastating blow (pun intended). Beaten by a porn queen. How humiliating.