Thursday, May 25, 2006

Been Caught Stealing

Going shopping for groceries has got to be one of the most dreaded experiences in anyone's routine. It is in mine anyway. I'd consider some delivery service, but I wanna squeeze the buns before I purchase them. I wanna sniff the peaches before I buy them. I wanna... well, you get the point.

In this town, you gotta go to at least 3 different markets to get what you need: A good fresh fruit/veggies market, a huge corporate market for cheap stuff you buy at grocery stores but don't eat (garbage bags, toilet paper, etc.) and Trader Joe's for boxed-type-throw-it-in-the-toaster-oven-for-a-few-and-it's-ready-to-eat food. I loathe every single market.

I frequented the Safeway on Market Street for the longest time because it was the closest thing to one-stop-shopping nearby. But their lack of bagging help, seriously limp produce, and abundance of weirdo shoplifting meth-heads (or people who look like them) forced me to search elsewhere for groceries.

That led me to Trader Joe's, which has to be the most infuriating shopping experience start to finish. The parking lot is a fistfight waiting to happen, and getting through the door can be tougher than cramming on BART at rush hour. Even then you've only just entered the insanity.

The inside of Trader Joe's holds the biggest collection of intelli-righteous fucks in the world. You can almost hear their collective mantra in unison: "I'm saving the earth. I'm saving the earth. I'm saving the earth."
No, you're buying broccoli in a plastic tray wrapped in plastic. Go to Rainbow if you want to save the earth like the rest of the walking dead in there. And move your damn cart over please. I need to get some of that free coffee and hummus.

There are three types of people at Trader Joe's:

1. The tourist: Sips coffee while meandering through picking up an item here or there. No list, just grabs what appeals to him or her. Grocery shopping is less of a necessity than an all day event.

2. The racecart driver: Pushes cart at mach speed through every opening, list in a tight grip. Eyes locked ahead, misses your hip by about 5 centimeters while muttering the next item on the list.

3. The completely clueless one: Stands in the center of the aisle while slowly scanning every can of soup. Meanwhile their cart is in the middle of the aisle in cockeyed fashion as to block anything but a 3 year old from getting by. Doesn't look up when you stand patiently and "ahem" a few times hoping to pass.

I love it when you're checking out of Trader Joe's and the register/bagger person doesn't even attempt to bag your groceries. So you're forced to stare off into the distance or mess with your phone until they realize that it's their job. I play that game now after bagging my groceries dozens of times and not even getting a simple "thanks" from the employees. Luckily, Trader Joe's food lasts forever in the freezer so you don't have to go there very often.

I've already covered Rainbow Grocery, right? The walking dead? Yeah.

Now I just go to another big market chain that at least has decent parking (validated even), baggers who actually seem like they don't mind it, and decent produce. I'm not telling anybody where it is because I don't want it overrun with weirdo shoplifting meth-heads (or people who look like them).

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Takin' it to the streets

I'm sure it's happened to you countless times. You go to the store to buy some cereal and you get something like this:

Looks tasty, no? Your mouth starts watering as you grab a bowl, a spoon and the milk. You open the box and pour the cereal into the bowl and then you realize: You've been duped again. No fruit.

How does that make you feel? I know how it makes me feel: PISSED OFFF!!! (with an extra F I'm so pissed offf!) Nobody's about to go down to the grocery store in their bathrobe or jammies or nude or whatever to get that fruit that the cereal box promised but neglected to include.

The cereal companies are getting away with the most heinous false advertising there is: Showing fruit on the box, but knowing full well they're not going to put any inside. It would be like buying Lucky Charms and finding no charms inside at all. Not very lucky if you ask me. Or opening a box of Raisin Bran and finding only flakes inside. We wouldn't stand for that would we?

Why don't they just put a picture of a cut of filet mignon on top of the flakes to get people to buy more? Or for that matter, why stop there? Why not put 100 dollar bills, or Rolex watches, or diamonds on top?!?!?!!!!

I for one am fed up with the false advertising, and I know you feel the same. So I'm organizing a march on Washington D.C. to let our voices be heard. Power to the people!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

I've been working at a place where the employees are all about 10 years younger than I am. Therefore they didn't actually live the embarrassment that was the 80's, they were too busy sucking on pacifiers and crawling on black and while tile floors to know what the fashion and music was all about.

Nevertheless, I'm pretty impressed to see what kinds of music they have on their shared music libraries. Stuff that I forgot about until these kids dug it out of the grave it should have been left in:

The Politics of Dancing by Re-Flex
19 by Paul Hardcastle
Send Me An Angel - Real Life
I Like Boys - Missing Persons

At least my coworkers aren't wearing Members Only jackets. I'd hate to inform them that back then they were worn mostly by middle aged men.