Thursday, December 21, 2006

Man in the Box

Well, we're in the home stretch of gifting for the holidays. The gift I've received most this year is the link to "Dick in a Box" on YouTube. I received the link about 15 times in 2 days before I began stopping would-be IM links from happening.

Yes, it's funny. No, it's not THAT funny after the 5th time. But yes, it's still funny.

If you haven't seen it - and I can't imagine how you wouldn't have received this link 15 times already like me - well here ya go. It's probably over on Linkey-loo anyway. Don't say I never got you anything.

Happy Holidaze!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

i Against i

With all this holiday shopping (that would be Christmas shopping in the religion I was raised under, but don't practice anymore), I've noticed the abundance of iThings. You know, stuff that's meant to go with an iPod, but maybe not always.

iPod is meant to work with iTunes. Check. That makes sense. But there's iEverythingunderthefuckingsun these days. iHome, iSkin, and the always easy to remember iH31s. Yeah, go to the Best Buy and ask those oh-so-helpful employees where you can get an iH31s for your iPod. They'll surely tell you "I don't know what that is but I'll go check. I'll be right back." But they won't be right back. They'll be hiding from you in the appliance section, where nobody ever goes.

If you don't get enough iPod in your daily existence, you can go to iLounge and see the accessories you don't have. You can get an iWoofer if your stereo doesn't have enough thump. And when you've dropped your iPod too many times, you can't get any old scratch remover to make it purty again, you have to get iCleaner. Just don't go to Walgreen's to buy it or they'll direct you toward the contact lens solution.

There's iEat if you can't figure out what to make for din-din. And then when din-din is done, use iCarta for... well, I'm not ever gonna touch anybody else's iPod ever again.

If you're looking for the perfect gift to get your favorite person for whatever holiday you were raised under, look no further.

You just can't be away from your iPod for too long, so better strap it to your undies. Well at least until the music really gets you in the mood.
iLee iLee the iMusical iBee

Thursday, December 07, 2006

The Hurting

You gotta love the grocery store. It's where we get to experience one of the most mundane aspects of our existence: the food gathering part. Except now it's got all sorts of decisions attached to it which are far more important than HUNGRY NEED FOOD:

- is that brand cheaper than that other brand?
- is that brand more eco-friendly than that other brand?
- am I getting a good deal at this market?
- should I buy the Coppola wine or the Charles Shaw?

HUNGRY NEED FOOD doesn't ask those questions. HUNGRY NEED FOOD finds adequate food and ingests it. When we moved toward having a civilized society, we introduced money into the equation and now HUNGRY NEED FOOD must wait. And HUNGRY NEED FOOD doesn't like to wait.

Waiting happens at the checkout, where all sorts of stuff you expect to happen in places like the bank or the DMV happens: People without their shit ready. Employees not interested in efficiency. Or if you're like me (or if your face happens to look like mine), you get both in a lovely setting just one back from getting rung up at the register.

Got my food. Got cash in hand ready to fork over and begin eating. Senior citizen lady in front of me, her goods on the conveyor belt. She says, "I brought up this burrito box to see if you had any more in back."
Gorilla-sized employee working register glances at me and my food in one hand and cash in the other.
"Let me check for you, ma'am."
(It would be so easy to just throw my cash at him and be on my way, but no, I am a responsible and patient citizen.)

Employee mutters incomprehensible banter over intercom. White guy in turban hurries up to answer call. "What's that you need, T?" (Apparently T is the name of the gorilla-sized gentleman at the register)
"See if there are any more of these." (Points at empty burrito box.)
White turban guy says "I don't think there are any more, but I'll check."

In the meantime, senior lady's (who is very sweet and nice) goods are rung:
"Is it senior discount day today?"
"Senior day is on Tuesday." (This was on Monday)
"Tuesday, huh"
(No reply from employee)

"Do I sign it now?"
"Wait 'til I'm done."

"Can you help me take my groceries out to my car?"
"We'll have somebody do that for you ma'am."

Employee #2 arrives.
"Would you like all these in your canvas bag, ma'am?"
"As many as you can get in there, dear."

Employee #2 crams everything into one bag.
Senior lady stops her "It gets heavy really quickly"
Employee #2 grabs a paper bag and tosses groceries in.

White turban guy comes back empty handed.
"Sorry, we don't have any more of those burritos." He hurries away.

Employee hands senior lady her receipt and she gets her things together at her cart with employee #2.
Employee rings up my food.
I hand him my cash. "I don't need a bag."
He hands me my change and I maneuver around senior lady and employee #2, still at the cart getting organized.
Hungry. Need food.